JustsayHELLO

JUST SAY HELLO| Part Two

This is the second post in a series offering thoughts on connecting with our neighbors in need.

We all have days when we don’t want to engage with others. There are factors in our lives that make us more introverted or extroverted, more or less trusting. This is just as true for unhoused folks as anyone else.

Experiencing homelessness can be traumatic! We often hear reports of neighbors in need being disrespected, or even physically hurt or abused by others. As the person not currently experiencing homelessness, I believe it’s my responsibility to ensure that I’m not adding to the trauma of folks who are. I try to remember that the experience a person has with me could either hurt or help them, especially when that person is vulnerable because of the situation they are facing.

Let the other person guide the interaction. Remember days when you’ve wanted to be left alone, and other days when you’ve eagerly looked for a connection with others? It’s important to recognize the individuals we encounter who appear to need help may not want to interact with us! Just because someone is in a challenging situation, we can’t assume they want us to get involved. If our goal is to authentically connect with and help someone in need, it’s our responsibility to watch for cues and respond accordingly. Body language reveals a lot about whether a person is open to interaction, and if so, at what level. Respecting their feelings is critical!

When a person who seems to be in need obviously doesn’t want to interact with me, or seems to resent my intrusion into their world, I try to remember that perspective is perfectly understandable! I have no idea what they’ve been dealing with, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s their right to be reserved or grumpy and my responsibility not to judge.. When I sense a response like that, I try to withdraw tactfully with kindness and don’t take it personally. And sometimes I encounter a person on the street who is obviously agitated, so I just stay out of their way. I use common sense and trust that feeling in my gut to guide me in how best to relate to someone.

On the other hand, sometimes folks seem to be starving for a little love and attention. If that appears to be the case, when I have the time and feel comfortable, I engage in longer conversations, especially to listen and offer empathy for whatever they are dealing with. If a person is sitting down on the curb or sidewalk, I often sit down with them, so we are on the same level. Because of our life situations, there is a de facto power imbalance between us, so I try to minimize that as much as I can.

Appropriate respectful touch. If I have been visiting with someone and felt we’ve made a connection, I often ask them if they want a hug, though I watch their body language so I can quickly withdraw the offer if they seem uncomfortable with the suggestion. I try to remember not to assume my comfort level is the only one that matters (especially since COVID). Also, when I hand someone a power bar or some cash, I might make a point to hold their hand briefly if it seems appropriate to the situation and feels right. I remember being on the street as a kid and feeling like a pariah; someone who, if they weren’t invisible, ought to be. So, it’s important to me to convey my care through respectful touch when I can, to help them feel seen and valued. Some of the most poignant moments I have ever experienced were when I used my hands to warm the rough frigid hands of a neighbor standing in the cold (then I offer gloves!). But I only do this in situations where the person seems open to that kind of interaction based on their facial expression and body language, and our mutual eye contact. If I’m ever in doubt, I won’t go that far. I try to carefully walk the fine line of respecting someone’s space and autonomy, while also recognizing the person in front of me may be hungry for human contact.

Sometimes, time and caring attention can be the best gift you can give someone! But always lead with empathy and let their words and body language help guide you; and when in doubt, just smile and say “hello!”

Shared in the loving spirit of this community,
Shelli| Facing Homelessness Board Member

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